Card Carrying Member of Adulthood


I feel like I’ve legit got my parent card now.

I’ve taken a kid to the emergency room.

In the middle of nowhere.

On vacation.

It’s a hipster story too.  Ironic and whatnot.  And with mommy angst.

Ok, not.

But it is ironic because, well, I’m getting ahead of myself.  And really, the irony part is barely any of the story.

We’re on vacation in Southern California.  The present leg of the trip has taken us to Borrego Springs, desert middle of nowhere, San Diego County.  Jim’s dad rented a house for the week for us all to hang out in peace, relaxation, and lack of civilization.  It really is beautiful here.  The barren hills and desert vegetation are stunning against the clear blue sky.  The layout of the house is open and the amount of natural light is near-staggering.  Of course there’s a pool in the back yard.  Said back yard backs up to a golf course.  It’s quite perfect as quiet vacation spots go.  Except that the nearest Emergency Room is about 60 miles away.  Since those are apparently necessary to the raising of my offspring.

After spending a great deal of the day in the pool, we ate a delicious meal of spaghetti (if I do say so myself), and adjourned to the patio to enjoy the evening breeze.  Since the backyard consists mostly of patio and pool, my children require more than the usual amount of running space per child, and running laps around pools can easily result in a trip to the ER, I opened the gate between the small strip of yard and the gold course.  To prevent a trip to the ER.

It was an adorable few moments: 3 partially clad sun-kissed toddlers laughing and running together in an almost endless expanse of lawn.  Levi and Emberleigh raced each other.  From time to time, Levi would let his sister win.  I must be doing something right.  Chivalry is not completely deceased.  Molly meandered along behind.  The shape and size of her legs and belly prevent running per say.  Here’s where is gets tricky.  Levi grew bored with the race and began tossing his new Lightning McQueen into the grass and running to find it.  Miss Moo sauntered into the trajectory of the red Disney Pixar action figure.  It made contact with the lovely little forehead, which is evidently hard enough to remove a race car’s spoiler.

I saw the whole thing in slow motion.  It has been playing on a loop in my head ever since.

7:30pm:

  • Boy throws car.
  • Car hits sister.
  • Sister ends up in emergency room.  Ok.  Too fast.  Rewind.
  • Sister falls on her plump little behind, bleeding profusely from head wound.

Jim momentarily acquired super powers and within seconds was scooping her up and running to the house.  Wearing white shorts.  In what felt like an eternity but in reality was most likely minutes, pressure was applied to the (sniff) tiny noggin to staunch the flow of life.  A bit dramatic, I realize, but when you see blood dripping from the face of your real, live Fisher Price Little People child, moments before the mommy-adrenaline activates, a tiny part of you gets caught in your throat and you are unable to move for a fraction of a second.

Jim’s dad, also Jim Fitzgerald, or Old Man Jim, brought with him an extensive first aid kit, much better than the box of bandaids in my purse.  With towels, gauze, and pressure, we got the bleeding stopped.  Jim and his dad, who know the area, having spent a great deal of time on summer vacations in the region, Googled and phoned various nearby health care facilities, locating the nearest and most easily accessible.

It may have been the longest ride of my life.  Since the wound was to poor Moo’s head, I kept her awake the whole time, a feat not easily accomplished since her bedtime had long since passed and the movement of the truck nearly lulled her to sleep.  Thanks to a weak cell signal and the Netflix app on my smartphone, Yo Gabba Gabba entertained our little patient till we arrived at the hospital in Brawley.

As emergency room visits go, it was best case scenario.  The staff was pleasant and efficient.  Very few others were waiting to be treated.  Great amounts of paperwork graced not the agenda.  A male nurse strolling the halls handed out stickers and lollipops to the kids in various stages of emergency treatment giving my brilliant 2 year old something to count and explore while waiting to hear her name called.

I had to look away as the nurse cleaned the opening in my daughter’s face.  I still feel a shudder when my mind recalls the sight.  With all the blood, sweat, and dust cleared, it was deeper than I had realized beforehand.  I held her hand supportively as I faced the other way.  Which would have helped except that my darling husband Jim exclaimed, “O, Molly!  I can see your brain!”

I still have not cried.  All that emotion waits just below the surface and is hanging on until I am too tired to deal any longer.  I feel as if the adrenaline that coursed through my body lent me temporary super-abilities in the emotional and mental departments and has left me tired and emotionally resembling a dishrag.  I felt so incredibly capable at the time.  Now, it’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I’ve been watching Molly closely to be sure that in the rough and tumble play that inevitably occurs between my 3 healthy children, a blow to the head does not re-open the wound.  After gluing it shut, this was one of the few things the doctor instructed us to beware of.  And, no.  My baby did not need stitches.

Sigh.

So I have been on my toes.  Some of you have seen my children play.  Opening an existing wound is a distinct possibility.

I am also not to let her get the glue wet for the first 72 hours.  My filthy, playful child cannot be bathed in the traditional sense.  Sponge bathing my toddler is a bit like attempting to grease a live fish.  And she is a big fan of getting dirty.  I may not put sun screen or ointment on her face.  This poses a bit of a situation seeing that we are in the blazing desert and my child has rather severe eczema.  But I deal.  And I keep her inside, out of the sun.  Since she’s not supposed to sweat on it either.

It only took me 2 days to write this post.  What does that tell you?

So ‘thank you’ to Jim Fitz Sr.

To my husband.

To my little sister Kyleigh.

And the Pioneer Memorial Hospital in Brawley, CA.

To Jesus.

And to my bed.

It misses me.

I can hear it calling to me.

Along with the mindless novel on my Sony eReader.

Which I wish would kick the bucket so I can justify getting a Nook.

Amen.

Goodnight.

}sharK`Week<


I’ve mentioned my mad, passionate love affair with Pinterest.  Have I not?

A friend who shall remain pinonymous pinned a post comparing the similarities of the shark brain with female plumbing in visual format.  Though it would be infinitely fun for me to insert said pictorial comparison for you, the more sensitive portion of my audience mayhap be offended.  So you shall be forced to Google the image on your own.  Or use your imagination.

Now that your senses have been adequately assaulted, you need to know that Red Ribbon Week, Aunt Flo’s visit, Female Hormone Awareness Week, Men Hide the Sharp Objects, 7-Day Chocolate Binge, etc, has now been dubbed ‘Shark Week’ by my pinonymous fellow pinner.  I follow suit.

We were made in the image of God.  Areas of this Image in humanity have been corrupted, flawed, stained, disproportioned, unenchanted, and marred.  By sin, by Satan, by us, and by our parents.  Yes, I went there.  Yet still, under the debris, an outline of what was to be is visible.  Sometimes it takes tragedy, therapy, and multiple unemployments to unearth a trace.  Unchanged is the fact that I was created by Him and bits of Him are in my image as a result.

I have been fighting a nearly-paralyzing mental battle.  In my mind.  Of course.  Though possibly also with my heart and my plumbing.  My current non-pregnant state is the longest span of time since Jim and I were wed that I have gone without growing a tiny human.  Molly will be 17 months on the 2nd of August.  By this point in the infant lives of my other 2 wonder-toddlers, another child had supplanted him/her as the ‘baby’ in the family.  Metaphorically, of course, since they were all babies.  At the same time.

The battle: my body seems to want to be pregnant.  Desperately.  With a fury that makes my conscious mind question its own validity.  You see, my rationale tells me that it’s a really good idea to enjoy the 3 children I accidentally and blessedly have.  To spend time with them without the energy-sapping of another gestation.  To get to know the ones who currently outnumber the parentals before they realize they outnumber.  Perhaps even get a year of homeschooling under my decorative belt.

My female-of-the-species hormones plead with me almost daily to make additional tiny, and almost inevitably emotionally damaged, people.  I may very well be losing it.  Not the battle, but the little that is left of my conscious mind, and my subconscious, disturbed as it is, vies for control.  I need to get back to counselling, yo.

Eventually I would love to have another kid.  At least one.  Ahem.  But the time is not now.  To be a good mother and tolerable wife, this postponement  is a necessity.  While my uterus weeps.  So, to cope, I keep well hydrated and I beseech God for the wisdom to understand the desperate longing.

I also love to craft.  I also have barely the time and the space for this pursuit.

Image of God, readers.  Image of God.  Apparently one of the little pieces given to me is a love of creating.  People.  Hairdos.  Apparel.  Not food.  More humans.  Style.  Drama.  Ahem.  Decor.  And trouble.  O, and the intermittent literary contribution.

So, I divert my attention from wanting a baby to creating things that don’t require medical insurance and a college fund.  Or that drain my mental powers.  Creating makes me feel whole, complete.  It would appear that my inner turmoil is not a mental defect, but my spirit and mind trying to balance my daily life with something God built in me with a purpose of His own.

I am trying to make a little space in my life for creating.  I very literally created a space.  With a desk and sewing table.  And some Rubbermaids.  In the corner of my bedroom.

Shark Week did not air as scheduled this month.  Maybe the self-imposed 57 1/2 hour fast I endured has reset my biological timepiece.  Whatever happened, I supposed I could be pregnant.  Parts of me dueled for precedence:  Elation.  Concern.  Trepidation.  Bliss.  Worry.  Confusion.  Not equal parts, mind you, since each half of the equation gained ground with each consecutive moment.  And then I was hit by a bus.  That is, we have “returned to regular programming after these messages”.  Sad, relieved, excited, and pensive.  All that.  But not a bucket of chicken.  Chicken’s not vegan.

So I blog.  And at naptime I will dig out some unfinished craft projects.  Since in my mental state of the past 3 days, I have energetically caught up on several household chores.

The answer looks to be balance.

Desire & Reality.

Want & Need.

Gift & Responsibility.

Kids & Crafts.

Regular Programming & Special Bulletins.

~~~~~~~~~~

This message brought to you by the surprisingly delicious Banana/Almond-milk/Raisin/Hemp-protein Smoothie.

And by Midol.  

Ahem.

littles


5 clumsy fingers

on each chubby hand

blue eyes like the sky

on tip-toe to stand

-

a voice not on key

singing a dream

in words only she

knows what they mean

-

always the scheming

imaginations afloat

smile like sunshine

from a heart full of hope

-

with emotions ablaze

and never a pause

feelings of pendulum

estrogen see-saws

-

a bat of the lashes

a raise of the brow

pout of the lip

does princesses proud

-

blond baby curls

and tiny pink nails

cheeks like an angel

and my heart, o, it fails

-

put on 3 tutus

‘wuh-ner-ful’ she cries

twirling & flitting

like spring butterfly

-

i lost so much sleep

i will yet again

she yanks on my heart

such joy and such pain

-

worth all the tears

i cry, & i pray

i want her to love You

and never to stray

-

i need You to raise her

as You do through me

to mother this child

as she needs of me

-

she’s fairies and pixies

all glitter and song

lighthearted yet stormy

a terror, a calm

-

i thank you for gifting

me with her love

she brightens my days

with light from Above

-

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.  James 1:17

Life is Worth the Living


My friend Sarah called me this morning.

“Would you mind watching my kids for a couple of hours?  You can say no.”

That is a true friend.

Because I love her as well, I said yes, but in the spirit of true friend honesty, I requested that she bring her kids to my house.  It’s the rule of #’s:  She has 2 and I have 3.  Ok, it’s not really a rule, but it would have been significantly more difficult and seizure-inducing otherwise.  My capabilities for good drastically diminish when it requires the effort necessary to walk out my front door.

Continuing in the vein of sisterhood, she also brought me compensation.  You have not truly lived until you have partaken in this manna of the gods.  1/2 dozen, coconut.  Because she loves me from the depths of her being, I’m sure.  And because I’m watching her kids.

Ain’t life grand?!

I really mean that.  With a cup of coffee and a Spudnuts coconut doughnut, nothing can really go wrong.

God has smiled upon me this blessed morn.

Spud-to-the-nuts-to-the-D-O-N-U-T-S

toilet blogging


When you are a mommy, especially a mommy of small ones, there is no peace and quiet.  Almost never do you get a moment to yourself to collect those tenuously brilliant thoughts you once had.  I’m convinced that God was looking out for me.  In a bizarre way, but still looking out for me, nonetheless.

 

***TOO MUCH INFORMATION ALERT***

 

During pregnancy, a woman’s body betrays her.  In every way imaginable and many unimaginable.  This is not a one-time deal either.  It is an ongoing relationship we have with our quisling bodies.  It extends beyond the pregnancy and, I am guessing, well into the college years.  My entire digestive system has joined forces with my uterus.  They hate me.  I just know it.  My darn uterus cannot keep its hands off a child to save its life.  Nor will it let them go once they are firmly rooted in its humble abode.  My GI tract has collaborated with said womb to torture me to the point of exhaustion and distraction.

That being said, when God allowed this sinful planet called Earth to curse me with irritating bowels, He was indirectly blessing me with the spare seconds of silence that I need to pull it all together mother my offspring the way they so desperately require.

 

'i wawnt thayt!'

Bliss?

Accomplished


Last year, I made this list:

  1. Finish the 3,000,000 sewing projects I may or may not have started in ’09.
  2. Give birth to a healthy baby, Molly-girl.
  3. Potty-train Levi.
  4. Regain my intended size and shape.
  5. Buy a minivan (Honda Odyssey, to be precise).
  6. Become a good cook.
  7. But most of all…not be pregnant for the rest of the year! (at least)
fat, fat, fatty!

Molly Moo

5 of these things happened.  Mostly.

  1. Sewing.  Lots of sewing.  Except that now I have projects from 2010 to finish.  2 to be exact.  2 is alot less than 3,000,000.
  2. Molly is fat and happy.  Healthy too.  Did I mention fat?  She’s fat.
  3. Levi is potty trained.  With almost no accidents.  In fact, Emberleigh has decided she’s ready to potty train herself as well.  As of last night and this morning.  Princess panties and all.
  4. Did not regain size and shape.  Attempted and came closer than years previous.
  5. Bought a 2004 Honda Odyssey, with cash.
  6. Started cooking more, but did not get any better at it.
  7. I am not pregnant.  I was only pregnant for only 2 months of 2010. For me, that is a serious accomplishment.  Following is a timeline:
  • 2006
  • Sept – Jim and I got married.
  • Oct – Became pregnant
  • Nov – Miscarried
  • Dec – Pregnant again
  • 2007
  • Sept – Gave birth to Levi
  • 2008 (5 month reprieve)
  • Feb – Pregnant again
  • Nov – Gave birth to Emberleigh
  • 2009 (7 month reprieve)
  • June – Pregnant again
  • 2010
  • March – Gave birth to Molly
  • 2011 (10 months so far)
  • Jan – Not pregnant
Christmas Jammies!

my lovely babies

My only goal for 2011 is to enjoy the year.

I sincerely hope that being pregnant is not part of the plan.

Faith with out works is dead.  Hope without birth control is stupid.

I.  Am.  Not.  Stupid!

I Got It All Under Control


It’s funny the things that make us feel like we are on top of our game.  We attempt to do our best and some days it feels like the carpet is being pulled right from under us.  Other days, everything is going to hell in a handbasket and yet one or 2 areas of our life or even just our living space evoke the sensation that all is right with the world.  After moving once every year for the last 3 years, with as many pregnancies in as many years, my planet seems to be spinning off its axis.

Lucky I am to have people in my life who are gifted with the ability to see past the chaos to the potential functionality and inherent beauty of organization.  One such lovely soul is a long-time family friend, Lynn.  She came over to my house on Monday.  She bravely ventured into my vortex, I mean home.  Together, we tackled 3-4 years worth of crazy.

Since we have lived in such tiny dwellings since our trek across the nation, we have kept the majority of our belongings in storage facilities of some kind or other.  While we lived with my family, we rented a storage unit about 8 miles/15 minutes away.  When we moved into the trailer, friends helped us put together a shed in our backyard, which we were able to bring with us when we moved to Hacktown.  While this was wonderful for the time, there came a point past which the ability to contain stuff was overshadowed by the inability to keep track of said stuff.  Since our previous 2 dwellings were so minute, it became imperative to keep things out of the living area that were not immediately essential.  Since packing boxes and looking through other boxes is best accomplished in an environment of order and control, the storage unit and later the shed quickly became a place of disaster and chaos.  Items not presently in use were thrown into containers along with whatever other things needed to be moved out.  Other bins were upended and rifled through in the process of searching for the next size of jammies or toys that required less batteries or emitted less sound.  Long story short: my stuff was a mess.

5 hours, 2 minds, Rubbermaid bins, and a Sharpie later, a small truckload of items were shipped off to Goodwill, and a similar quantity designated as trash.  I found things I had long forgotten existed.  Treasures were unearthed.

Above all, space was created.  Sweet, blessed room!  Open floors.  Unfilled shelves.  Peace of mind.  A soul-deep sigh of relief.

And the illusion that my life is under control.  Because with that illusion, ensues the energy to create and maintain a semblance of order.

All baby and toddler clothing is sorted, folded, and labeled in easily accessible containers.  Junk, purged.  Air, breathable.  Closets, navigable.

We were even able to decipher the status of my years upon years worth of sewing supplies.  That in itself is a miracle.

 

my morning face

Upon the foundation of Lynn’s genius, I have been able to carve out a few areas of relative structure in order to provide for myself and anyone with visual access to my living quarters, the impression of calm and decided triumph over chaos.

 

Just think, I can put all this on my eReader...

 

Because sweaters should be decorative whether worn or not...

There’s room up there now…


 

hard hatted levi

Trailer Park Levi

You may remember the Trailer Park Diaries.  You may also remember from my incessant complaining that the trailer in which I resided was the size of a thimble.  Yes, I complained alot.  In reality, however, I was happy to move there.  For a few weeks.  Then my belly got even bigger (pregnant) and there was only room for one adult and one child to be home at a time.  Levi & Emberleigh took turns sleeping out in the van with Jim.  Ok, that never happened, but my “house” was very small.  And since I am highly accident prone, this only added to the hilarity.

 

Back to the ‘happy to be there’.

And now back to “it was too small”.  A year later I informed my husband that I was moving to a bigger house.  With or without him, but he’d better come with, or else…  We combed craigslist, various newspapers, and probably every means of house-hunting known to man, short of prostituting ourselves out for information.

 

hacktown

Hacktown

Voila!  A new house.  10 minutes from everywhere (geographical oddity, anyone?).  With 3 whole bedrooms and 2 entire bathrooms.  A kitchen that 3 people can turn around in at the same time without literally occupying the same exactly area in the space time continuum.   A real dining room that fits a real table.  Oh, wait.  I didn’t even have that in California!  Back to my story.  Or line-item list.  Whatever.  A living room.  That I can put a couch in.  And still have room to move.

 

Once we moved in, we began to realize something unusual.  We did not own furniture.  What we had consisted mostly of boxes, rubbermaid bins and drawers, and orphaned mattresses with no bed frames we had collected from various legs of our journey.  And we had no couch.

The search was on.  (It still is.)

I have accumulated so far a number of astonishingly amazing finds.  They are as follows:

  1. A couch.  From Big Lots.  When Levi informed me that it was his turn to sit in the chair, I relented.  Living the life of a traveler was getting a little wearisome.
  2. bunkbeds

    A bunkbed. With Stairs, of course.

    Bunkbeds.  I’m that tired of being pregnant.

    bunkbed

    Multi-Purpose

  3. Just kidding.  It’s for the kids.
  4. A crib for Molly.  Which also happens to be Jim’s crib from 30 years ago.
  5. Circa find via Goodwill

    A dining room table.  A $29 Goodwill find.

  6. Bar stools.  From Circa.  I heart Circa.  Coincidently, my dining room table was once at Circa.  They couldn’t sell it so they took it to Goodwill where fate smiled upon me and I found it.  Or Karma felt bad for my hyper-fertility.  Or God wanted me to have a great table for cheap.  Yeah, me!
  7. A coffee table.  Which is really a giant steel box that I had to strip of it’s toxic lead based paint.
  8. A yellow antique dresser.

    Isn't it lovely?

    Because my room needed it.  And I needed it.  Also from Circa.

  9. My green road-side chair.  That I already owned but I love it and I love that I ‘acquired’ it.  Ahem, Evan…
  10. Antique typewriter.  From Jim’s dad.  2 years ago.
  11. 1907 Webster’s Dictionary.  I almost cried.  I think Katie did cry.
  12. A painting of a field of sunflowers.  For my living room.  Jim bought it off a door-to-door Israeli art salesman.  Because he will buy anything from an Israeli.

    My living room...

  13. Antique foodmill and meat grinder.  To display above my kitchen cabinets along with the colored glass bottles I pretend to collect.
  14. Fire Extinguisher Lamp.  Made by Brian.  Genius idea.
  15. Audrey Hepburn.  Her face hangs in my bathroom.  On the wall opposite my mirror.  So she can stand next to me while I get ready.  Ok, that sounded creepy…

All that to say this: now that I’ve moved, there’s more room in my brain for blogging.

I think.

 

Suicide


Suicide has a name.

It is ‘Jillian Michaels‘.

More specifically, her 30 Day Shred.  I would have posted a picture of the DVD for you, but, quite frankly, I am tired of looking at it.

Jim and I are planning a trip to California next month.  For the 1st time in 2 years, I will be be seen by all those perfect beach models and their blond hair and no love handles.  I have not been back to visit since we moved to VA in September of 2008.  (Jim was there for 10 days in January, but that doesn’t count since he hasn’t been pregnant recently.)

In September of 2008, Jim & I drove across the country (5 days) with his friend, Scott, my brother, Dylan, & 1-year-old Levi.  I was 7 months pregnant with Emberleigh.  I had gotten pregnant with Emberleigh when Levi was a mere 5 months old, so as you can imagine, I was closely resembling a blue whale in shape at this time.  This is the image of me that all those poor, dear, perfect Californians have of me.  Fat, perpetually pregnant, seemingly lazy, and constantly hungry when I’m not dozing off.

We moved into a room in my family’s house, where we lived for about 1 year.  While living there, I gave birth to Emberleigh (ew! gross! not in the house, you sickos!) and became pregnant with Molly (ew! gross! In the house. I know, ya sickos.).  Emberleigh was a whole 7 months old.

Have you ever had one of those ‘punch balls’?  Those big, tough balloons with the handle for spiking into siblings’ faces?  If you blow it up and let the air out, they return to almost normal.  If you inflate them and leave them in this condition for a period of time, they do not return to their original size and shape as quickly.  If you do not uninflate it for an extended period of time, it may never quite regain its factory default.

The difference between me and the punch ball is that the punch ball doesn’t have to look good in a bathing suit in 3 weeks.

After Levi was born, I did kickboxing with Lauren.  She is hard-core, kick-your-butt, make-you-stick-to-your-guns, super awesome workout pal.  I lived in a mansion back then.  3000 square feet.  With a 3-car garage.  Where a bunch of us stored kickboxing bags, wraps, and gloves.  3x/week, a handful of us would beat out all our new-mom/mom-of-toddler aggression on those poor, freestanding bags.  All that accountability…  And Lauren would coach us through the moves.  And the from-hell ab routines.   We loved and hated her for this.  And I started looking good.

Apparently too good.  Ahem.  (see paragraph 5, sentence 3…)

When Emberleigh was born, we lived with the fam, so Mom & I would work out together 5-6 days every week.  We all know that working out is 100′s of times easier and less horrific when there is someone to die along with you.  We walked Carter Mountain 3 times/week or so.  We did a 30-minute Total Body workout.  We bought yoga mats and resistance bands.  We visited the elliptical regularly.  Together, we burned off the pounds and tightened the abdominals.

Again, I looked overly attractive.  (ha!  that’s a joke!)

After Molly was born, I lacked ambition.  I live in my own place now, and there are no kickboxers showing up to make me get on task.  No on is daily flaunting weight-loss in my face.  I don’t routinely have little sisters (cough, Delaynie, ahem) ranking the family members from fattest to skinniest within earshot.  It has been a bit more difficult to get back on the fitness horse, of you will…

Until Jim announced that we would be going to visit his family for 2 weeks in the hottest time of the summer, in the most plastic region of the nation.  I resembled a marshmallow.  On flabby toothpicks.  Embarrassing. So I buckled down and ordered the Shred.  I bought hand weights.  I circled the date on the calendar.  Jillian Michaels is a wolf, in sheep’s clothing, in a devil costume. Jumping jacks with hand weights and plank jacks are not what I had in mind.

I have lost some weight, but more importantly, I have dropped at least a size, and have muscles that I can actually seeeee!  I started on July1st.  It is a 30 day workout.  I have 4 days left.  I am inordinately proud of myself.  I have never in the history of ever worked out 26 days in a row.  So utterly shocked am I at my success that I have taken a day off from this endeavor to tell you.  July has 31 days.  I’m entitled to a day off.  When I have completed the workout, I will treat myself to the massage certificate that has been hanging on my fridge since Valentine’s Day (thank you, jim!).  And then I will start ‘Resistance Band Month’.  Followed by ‘Crunch Pilates Month’.  Or something like that.

I ordered a bathing suit online a few days ago.  I quake in fear at the thought of its arrival.  More traumatizing than that is the knowledge that I will be going to the beach in SoCal in a short 3 1/2 weeks.

In reality, I am not at all unhappy with the results of my 30-day experiment.  I almost feel like a new person.  I am starting to look cute in jeans again.  I have a hot little thigh muscle I haven’t seen since high school Tae Bo.  I’m no longer carrying around ‘holy bat flaps! grandma!’ (name that comedian).  My side rolls are shrinking.  Slowly, but surely.  My face looks human again.  I have super hott calves.  I will never again fit in the jeans I did before Levi.  However, I am so ok with it, that I would make the self-esteem experts die and roll over in their graves if they sat down to chat with me about it.

I have 4 days of shred left.  I have 3 weeks till take-off.  I am thinking about maybe being a tad excited.

Early Childhood Education


You know how the Mormons always send out their pretty boys?  For the most part, anyways.

Apparently so do the companies whose sole purpose is to dupe frazzled, over-extended young mothers who are trying their best to raise functioning members of society.  Those of us who feel we are playing grown-up.  That we somehow snuck past the IQ detector that prevents idiots and chronic screw-ups from becoming mothers.  Oh, wait.  There isn’t one.  So here we are.  Young.  Floundering.  Exhausted.  Peed, pooped, and puked upon.  Desperately attempting to grasp at the last straw of sanity that we think we have left.  Forget the dignity.  That fled at the very first prenatal OBGYN appointment.

So here we are.  Mothers.  The primary caretakers of these adorable, naughty, and totally irresistible little alien life forms.  We feed, clothe, rock, sing, diaper, bathe, and otherwise pamper and nourish them.

At the expense of our minds & bodies.

We look like something the cat dragged in on at least a daily basis.  Or that the cat drags around on a daily basis.

But we do it for love.  For the sheer joy of the small monsters and all the love they have to give us.  For the first crayon-scribbled refrigerator masterpiece.  For the first time they ask in a complete sentence of sorts that you take them to Walmart to buy a them tractor.   For the first ‘thank you’ without being reminded.  For when they put themselves in timeout because they know they were naughty.  For the very first ‘Mommy! Pee-pee in the potty!’ without an accident.  For the curly, tousled hair as they lie sleeping at night.  Oh, the blessed silence!

But before the blessed silence and the obedience and the minute indicators that your mothering is not completely in vain, there are bowls of chicken salad repeated thrown across the kitchen.  There are puddles of bodily fluid on the living room carpet.  There are handfuls of poo offered with excitement.  There are battles.  There are wars.  Ambushes.  Guerrilla attacks.  Weapons of Mom Destruction (wherein they attempt to destroy mom by watching Robots 4 times in 1 day).

It was in the midst of just such a scenario that I heard a knock at the door.

Naptime ends just as dinner prep begins.  It is a colliding of wills and purposes.  Of course they wouldn’t eat the chicken salad.  After all, they loved it yesterday, even begged for more.  Dinner plates make great frisbees.  Especially piled with food.  Of course the baby needed to eat NOW.  Of course my house felt like it was closing in on me.  After all, it is a full 400 square feet.  Stacked laundry baskets with clean folded clothing to be put away.  (how i managed those 2 steps required multiple miracles.)

I open the door a little.  I think they were younger than me.  At least it felt that way.  Pastel polos.  Plaid shorts.  Tan.  Blond.  Young.  And o, so, unmarried and not fathers.

“You must be the mom here,”  the first young man began.  We shall call him Will.  “I’m Will.”

“Why?  Do I look like the mom here?!” I fired back with just a hint of humor in my voice so as not to not frighten him and his companion completely.  I could have had him crying for his mommy or ‘green-eyed’ him into submission.  But I was attempting to be civil.  Human, even.  (Thank God they were there, tho!  I needed to vent on someone so that my poor husband would want to come home.  Flying chicken salad does not put one in a stable frame of mind.)

I think they may have thought I was flirting in/out of desperation.  They had nothing with which to compare the level of insanity which I proceeded to spew upon their young heads.  I surmised, out loud, that they obviously had mothers, as they existed to stand at my doorstep.  Did they have sisters?  No, they informed me.  Nor had they ever known a pregnant woman.  What kind of a charmed life had they led till now?!

The kicker?

They were selling Early Childhood Development Literature and Toddler Teaching Aids.  Brightly colored, fully waterproof and washable pages.  Spanish and English.  They would grow with your child throughout preschool and on into elementary school.  A set of 6, with full-color posters.  Dry-erase friendly.  Peanut butter and jelly friendly, they added.  Or rather Will, added.  I think poor Jon was frightened out of his wits.  Scary mom of 3, say ‘what!’?!

No, they had no pamphlets to leave.  No business cards.  I would have to decide here and now whether or not to buy the $100′s of dollars worth of being a good mom.  No, it was not mom-friendly that I should have to leave my kids  and their mess to hear their spiel, but neither was it them-friendly for me to not hear them out.  Certainly I could give them 10 minutes of my time.

I may or may not have flipped out.

By now, the poor Michigan 20-something was determined to make his presentation if it killed him.  The other guy hung back a safe distance.

Does it look like I have $80 to give you for that book?

I am trying to save up to move out of this, this, this matchbox I live in!

No, I don’t have a down payment of $40 for you.

They are all under 3.

Yes, I am amazing.

Yes, you may high-five my chicken salad ensconced hand.

No, I do not want your product.

I attempted to be nice. The dude would not take no for an answer.  The nerve of him!  He even told me that my children would be caring for me someday so I must provide them with a good education in order for them to do so.

I told him that pregnant women were insane, cranky, and overwhelmed.  Since I had almost a solid 3 years under my belt, the psycho had not yet worn off.  Maybe he would have a crazy wife someday and energetic children someday and would remember me.

O, by the way.  To make our job easier, could you tell us which of your neighbors have small children so we don’t have to waste our time?

After all I just explained to you, do you really think I have time for playdates?!  Or to meet the neighbors?!  Do you have any idea how much work it is to get these kids in and out of the house, let alone interact with another human?!

The kids live down the road a ways.  Go, before I go berserk and bring out the shotgun.  Which you don’t know isn’t loaded.